A Miscarriage

Last Thursday my spotting took a turn for the worse. It began right before bringing Elly to dance class. What was once occasional purple gook coming out of me was suddenly red and flowing.

If that hadn't worried me, then the cramping would have.

It felt like my period hopped up on steroids. And then the clots came, in huge dark lumps. I believe I was still in denial in the beginning changes

"Maybe there is still a baby in me"

It was a hope more, after all I bled furiously, clots and all with Elly, and in the end there still came a baby.

She came while I was on bed rest, ten weeks early, but she was there. I had bled on and off from seven weeks till the day she was born in my 30th week. I was on and off of bed rest, in and out of the hospital with over night stays and contractions at 26 weeks.

And then the remaining six weeks of my pregnancy with Elly, I was banished to the bedroom. We had our own home, but we moved into my parents in law suite so I could be waited on hand and foot by my mom. And so naturally it was a miracle Elly was ever born, I still had hope.

Nonetheless, this bleeding was too consistent and flowing. It was too red and much to clott-y. That tiny sack inside of me, I was sure had escaped.

The truth is I'm not really sure it ever was a baby. I wasn't measuring right and it lacked the necessary functions to become what I wanted it to be. I believe it stopped growing a few weeks before I made it into the doctors.

I have always measured right before. I suppose none of this really matters now.

Naturally, I was upset. I impressed myself though, by holding composure and a good attitude, especially at dance class where a friend of mine is pregnant with her fifth-yes we go to church together.

After class I told Elly, I had to. As soon as Danny found out he mentioned

"Girls, mommy has a baby in her belly."

Elly's eyes welled up with tears before mine ever did. I made a point of pasting on the smile for her, and it felt good to do so.

"It's okay, we can always try for another baby."

She calmed down relatively fast. And I felt okay, even at peace with things. It really helped that we had great weather that week. It is hard to stay sad when you are outside in the warm golden sun listening to the birds chirp and watch flowers blossoming.

I did allow myself to cry though...at night.

Later that evening I watched my friends six kids, from 8 months to 11 years. They are all well mannered and get along so well. And the baby, well he is adorable. All the kids adore him and are so good with him. And he loves ALL his siblings. He trusts them and stops crying whenever he is in their presence. And this is what caused me to be sad.

All my life I wanted a big family, so that there was this kind of love I was seeing in this family.

And after they left I balled like a baby.

But I am blessed because I have two gorgeous girls that do love one another like this.

Danny gave me a blessing of comfort. Though it did not console me at all at that moment. It talked of fulfilling my calling and doing what was right with the kids I had, and that I would have wonderful friends to help with my upcoming mountainous trials. What!?!? I do not know if i want to know what this means.

But nothing was mentioned about more kids. I was sad.

Danny told me I need to be more positive. This wasn't the end of the world, just a blip in the screen.

But I just wanted to cry....and I did.

I awoke the next morning feeling much better. And I am okay now. Maybe I'll just enjoy the summer since I now know I am not sick and pregnant. We have dorney park passes and it will be such a blast with the girls this year.


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