Love Story Part 4

He was gone. Josh had flown home and abandoned me with a gripping anxiety. My fears and thoughts were as fresh and frozen as that blustery month of March .

But it didn't stop me from saying them, those three little words before our parting...I love you. They came from both of our lips. I had been giddy when it happened...but now all I could feel was a jumble of pins and needles swirling in my stomach.

We barely knew each other. I mean, we did, but not romantically, not deeply enough.

Was this right?? There are billions of people out there...was I picking the right person for me??

Prayer became a constant facet to my life. And I was desperately pleading for some deliberate sign....like a huge flashing metal contraption above my bed that said:

"Marry Him!!" or "Don't Do It!!"

We talked for hours every night on the phone. We could laugh and joke about things...it felt comfortable..
until we hung up. Then doubt and fear crept through my muscles tightening everything. And it remained that way, until I talked to him the next night.

Yet there was plans of getting married.

There were more conversations about our future, that seemed to send red flags. Where we stood on standards, little things like the kinds of movies we would watch, and BIG, like whether the goal of me staying home with the "future" kids was important; goals, plans....it just felt off. But we still made plans for a future together.

There was no ring, no official proposal. I remember this bothering me. He had mentioned his older brother never gave a ring to his wife and she was just fine with that. Even though there was no real plans of when this wedding would actually come about, the fact that a ring was not even a consideration did not make me happy.

Yes, this "marriage" was spoken of as a reality.

Nevermind we couldn't talk face to face for months at a time. Only a phone connected us.

Even so everyday was one day closer to visiting him in North Carolina for his sisters wedding. Everyday my doubts grew just a little more. And everyday was one step closer to a wedding or a break up for us.

"I don't think I can do this"

I blurted out over the phone one day. It had been a particularly hard day. My muscles were in a constant flexing motion, tense as steel. I couldn't remember the last time I felt I could fully breathe. It seemed like an eternity, and I was certain it was because of Josh.

"What do you mean? Why?"

What proceeded was a meltdown, with me balling my eyes out and apologizing as I explained the anxiety and doubts to him. He listened quietly and then responded with something like this:

"How about we start over.... Go slower.... We can just be friends right now.... and get to know one another. You can still come to my sister's wedding....We can take it day by day."

This idea seemed to relax the nerves in me. I agreed feeling guilt and sorrow for not wanting to get married, but relief for his understanding.

The next week played out similarly, we still chatted on the phone every night, except something AMAZING happened. I woke up releived, my muscles were relaxed, and my situation no longer felt dire. Now that we were "just friends" Josh suddenly became attractive once more. His jokes were funnier, his ideas seemed brilliant, and I began to question myself. Did I make the right decision???






 

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