My Anxiety Story Part 2
|Picture From: http://www.sethskim.com/2009/09/18/true-freedom/|
Everything had become fuzzy. I remember Danny lifting me off the floor and placing me on our bed. I was weak and dizzy. I felt I had been fading into death.
"I...need...to go...to the hospital." I begged breathlessly.
The walls were spinning obnoxiously. I heard him sigh loudly.
"Your not having a heart attact. You just need to calm yourself down. Breathe in slowly and deeply."
I began to suck in loud gasps. It was obvious I was stuck here, Danny had no plans to take me to the hospital and clearly I couldn't get there myself. So I tried to fight away the fear, becoming concious of the oxygen I pulled into my lungs.
"I'm....(suck in)....just....(blow out)....scared."
Danny rolled over onto his back and closed his eyes.
"Just clear your mind. Don't think about your heart, or your fear, or your Dad's health. Just breathe and clear your mind."
If only this was an instant and easy solution. If that were so, I'd be asleep in three minutes flat, but the mind is a powerful thing, and it likes to hold onto feelings. Mine seems to become quite attached to the drama. So I went on wishing and praying like it was my last night. I pictured white fluffy clouds...a serene sun set....birds chirping....a bright rainbow. Clear my mind, clear my mind.
Still my heart hammered on, my breathes felt hollow, but at least the spinning had slowed down it's pace. I'm not dying...I'm not dying...deep breathes. Danny had fallen back to sleep and I was left alone with the night and my mind. It took another hour for my nerves to relax and settle. Finally the room stood in its place, the rhythmn of my heart drummed to a slower beat, and my breathes were calm and consistent. Exhaustion had settled in and I faded into sleep.
I was cured! Or so I thought. I awoke the next morning with a blanket of tension. The tightness seeped into every muscle in my body. My throat narrowed and all but closed again. A heavy cloud of unease surronded me. I felt horrible, afraid, helpless.
To Be Continued.......
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