The Best Of PA

It is easy to be happy with the weather we are having these days. Sunny and seventies with flowers in bloom. The school season is wrapping up, though I doubt that it will ever really wrap up for us with all the summer work books I've a crewed, summer camp to plan and plenty of books to read. There is much to be thankful for. I went to the doctors yesterday, I was spotting and it still irked me that I was not feeling ill. The results were less than complimentary. There was a sack in there, bunt was empty. No yolk sack or amniotic fluid that the specialist could see. "It is not measuring up to where it should be...it is much smaller. When was your last period again??" She already knew, but was checking up in hopes it was still early. The doctors said to wait two more weeks but that it was a 50/50 chance really. Too early to tell what was to happen. But it's okay. The sun is shining, I have two gorgeous girls I am blessed to stay home with. They...

"This is your new normal."    My mom said this to me one day.  I had been filled with dread and unease at the prospect of a million thoughts.  I clung to the fear in my heart.  Would I die of a heart attack?  Who would raise my kids? Did I have some   incurable disease?  Was I going crazy?   Would I ever feel normal again?   I had counseled with her numerous times. Her calming words  relieved tension, anguish and nervous jitters.  But hours later I would find myself worrying once more, feeling the nerves tinge and the fear build.  I would fall back into hysteria and remain fixated in the fact that just weeks; now months ago, I was "normal."  I hadn't experienced anything as strong or overwelming before that first panic attack. I analyzed and obsessed.  When I caught my body relaxing I found myself acknowledging the fact ...

Photo from: http://edutail.com/buzz/lie-saver-doctor/813 "Let me check your back."  My doctor said. She was standing behind me as I sat in a chair waiting for the verdict.  It had been a couple of days since my panic attack and I just wanted...no...needed to hear from a certified MD that I was alright.  I had just poured my heart out to to my doctor explaining the whole painful ordeal, my health and my concern for my fathers'.  Her thumb pressed into the tender spot by my shoulder.  I could feel the hard ball swell with pain.   "Oh yes, You've got a huge knot right there.  Where it's positioned will effect your back, arm and neck." I sighed with releif, at least I wasn't going crazy, the pain was real. " Thank goodness."  I croaked.  "At least I didn't imagine that." She chuckled and walked to the front of me. "No your not.  In Med School, we would walk around with stiff necks and our heads tilted ...

Picture From: http://www.sethskim.com/2009/09/18/true-freedom/ Everything had become fuzzy.  I remember Danny lifting me off the floor and placing me on our bed.  I was weak and dizzy.  I felt I had been fading into death. "I...need...to go...to the hospital."  I begged breathlessly. The walls were spinning obnoxiously.  I heard him sigh loudly. "Your not having a heart attact.  You just need to calm yourself down.  Breathe in slowly and deeply." I began to suck in loud gasps.  It was obvious I was stuck here, Danny had no plans to take me to the hospital and clearly I couldn't get there myself.  So I tried to fight away the fear, becoming concious of the oxygen I pulled into my lungs.   "I'm....( suck in) ....just....( blow out) ....scared." Danny rolled over onto his back and closed his eyes . "Just clear your mind.  Don't think about your heart, or your fear, or your Dad's health.  Just breathe and clear...

picture from: http://backyardamusements.com A slithering cord wrapped around my throat, pressing away the oxygen.  Fear rose up my chest, down my arms, into my blood.  It was happening again, the loss of control, that feeling of unease, a constant jitteriness swelling into every corner of my body. Anxiety and Panic: it is a fear that can tense every muscle, paralyze a soul and cause an intense downward spiral of hopelessness.  I have been there.  I have been enveloped by the black cloud before, I have allowed dark thoughts to take control and I am STILL battling the GIANT among me.   It started a year ago, the very same day a friend and I discussed the heart attack her father recently had.  It was the same month my Dad was to recieve a stint in his heart.  It had been consuming my every thought.  It's no wonder I woke up with back pain on the left side that very night.  Never mind I have had back pain since havi...